Dear Secret Santa – A list to Help you Spoil Me

Charlotte over at The Stilleto Mom has done a fantastic job of coordinating the Blogger Secret Santa this year. She has used Twitter in a great way to gather participants. Well Done, Charlotte. This is my first year participating and I look forward to receiving my name as I really enjoy shopping for OTHER people!

I’m a rather simple person, but also very fussy.

Perhaps a little note on who I am and what I like:

I’m a stay at home, homeschooling Mom to 2 boys. I enjoy reading and thinking. I’m a rather serious person but I enjoy sillyness – so If you can invoke the silly/unconservative – I welcome it!

I listen to black metal, doom and country , I like tattoos, comics, art. My favourite colour is Green (except lime/neon). I’m not a bling, fur and faffy pink kind of girl. My favourite shoes would have to be Iron-Fist heels and my custom Vans.  I like Vintage Cars, bicycles and suitcases. I don’t drink alcohol. My favourite store has to be Big Blue. I am inspired by gothic, baroque and steampunk fashion (I don’t dress like this – but I like certain elements). My magazine of choice is Ideas. I like most things crime, blood and medical related. (Like Dexter and CSI).

* I like handcrafted goods – as in made by YOU! If you’re crafting yourself, then you can kind of ignore most of the Do’s & Don’ts below.
But if you aren’t that way inclined then below is a list of Do’s and Don’ts that should help you.

Do’s

* Earrings : fairly plain,  dangly (not hoops) earrings in silver; stones = optional (I am allergic to nickel so they must be nickel free)
* 2013 A4 Page-A-Day Diary in Black or Burgundy (please no Blue)
* I read Non-Fiction and order all my books through Kalahari. On my list includes “My father my monster” & “A Bantu in My Bathroom”
* Liquorice cables (no coloured centres)
* Sudoku Puzzle Books
* Solar Jars (Though these are over R100 – so if you’re feeling genrous)
* Cookie Cutters & Cake Tins
* Home Decor : Vintage Cars/Suitcases, Navy, Silver, Red, Black
* Spiders (not real ones, obviously)
*Chalkboard Placemats

Don’ts

* Bath goodies ( I really don’t use them)
* NO NUTS PLEASE – I’m seriously allergic  (Unless you really don’t like me)
* Necklaces – boys just break them
* Nothing with Religious intention – Crosses, Pentagrams, Buddahs, etc
* Butterflies, Florals, Hearts, Farm Animals, Eyeballs, Serpents
* Coffee
* Animal Print or African things
* Nailpolish

When I doubt: Go Plain or Crazy!

Unconditional Play

Becoming a Mom can be a serious upheaval of emotions and thoughts.  Having children may teach us patience, kindness, love, etc but among the lessons we learn we are forced to face our own fears and insecurities. We will always try and make our children feel better and do better than we could/can in certain situations, all the while knowing that we’re bound to stuff up somewhere along the line.

I’ve been grappling with the thought of ‘Unconditional Play’ for a few months now. Trying to figure out my thoughts and feelings around it. Wondering why it was/is so difficult for me to do this.

Firstly, let me start off by saying that Unconditional Play is playing with your children without the expectation of learning anything from it. Playing, just because you can. There is no starting point and no end goal but to have fun doing it. If the children learn anything from it, that’s a bonus, but it is not the reason for play.

It may seem like a really silly subject to be grappling with, but the reality is that ever since Xavier was a baby (6 months), I always felt that he needed to know how to play with a toy correctly, that he needed to learn how to play with the toy – which in essence is what they will eventually figure out. I would become frustrated because he was unable to use a toy correctly or because he would struggle with the concept of it or if it took too long. Unfair on him, Stressful for me.

And then we started therapy and though therapy all involves ‘play’ the play has a result and an outcome. A goal.  Mom & baby groups and therapy became my tools, my learning centre of ‘how to play’.

See, I don’t remember many times when I played with toys as a child. I know I had them but I have no memories to draw from to make playtime with my boys (or any other child) easier on me. I remember playing with Barbies in my friends cupboard, I slept with a gloworm and I had a ballerina doll with her own music. I remember playing ‘shop’ with the pastors daughters and I know my nursery school years were mostly spent building puzzles and doing matching,sorting or memory games.

My primary school years were spent doing the best I could, academically, culturally and in sport. Even back then, being silly wasn’t much for me.  My brother always complained that he had no one to play with even though we are a year apart. I have just always been a loner and managed quite well all by myself. To this day my brother still refers to me as “a granny”.

So the day I realised that I don’t know how to play with my boys UNCONDITIONALLY, I sobbed. The only way I know how to ‘play’ is to learn something from it. Everything I can remember in my life and that I’ve done was mostly to learn something from it.

While I understand that children like Xavier may need direction in how to play with toys because their motor planning isn’t all that great – he also needs me to back off with the pressure. The problem though is that I run out of ideas very fast. My imagination doesn’t suck, I just don’t know what to do with toys – as I said – I have no memories to draw from.

One Twitter friend asked me if I had a skipping rope for the boys, I was dumbstruck “What do I do with a skipping rope?” I asked. I don’t think I’ve felt more stupid asking that question – but it was an honest one, I mean my 3 year old dyspraxic can’t even jump proper, let alone a skipping rope! Of course she had the answers, so it made sense. I just need to push myself to think a little further sometimes.

So while motherhood is enough to make you feel inadequate just with it’s normal challenges, this one has thrown me a curve ball. Really making me think and getting me to better understand myself. It’s a very stressful concept to me and often met with a lot of anxiety.

Yes, I sadly am the Mom that watches other Moms/Dads/Grannies/Therapists play with their kids so that I can get more ideas. I google “How to play with children” more often than I like to admit. I am the Mom that envies those that just know how to have fun.
All I can do is set up specific activities and let the kids freely decide how they want to play with it (without destroying my furniture, of course).  I feel totally ridiculous being silly with the kids in public (public is even when Dad’s home). I guess I feel totally ridiculous only because it’s all very foreign to me. Hopefully I will learn how to play with toys (and mostly my boys) the older my boys get. And I truly hope I don’t deprive them of a childhood in the process.

If this was a deciding factor on whether or not I was allowed to have children – I’d fail it on this part alone.

Image Credit: Colourbox

Is Childhood Obesity a Product of Inactive parenting

About 5 years ago I met a little boy, at age 3 he was wearing 7-8 year old clothing. He wasn’t any taller than the other 3 year old around him, his Mom was neither tall, big boned or overweight. It was jaw dropping to hear of  his eating habits, his food choices weren’t always unhealthy foods but it was the quantity of what this child ate. A vacation to the beach and he would eat a whole box of litchis by himself, A whole box of bananas – in one sitting – that was apart from the other food he consumed on the day. At his own house he would sit and hold 2 x 2 litre Cokes and drink from them simultaneously and where you and I will put out a bowl of chips on a table to be shared by all, he would take the bowl for himself.

On entering anyones house, his first stop would be to the fridge to eat something.

The sad part of this story is that her son’s obesity was a direct result of her choices. She fed him to “keep him quiet” (her own words).

His Mom’s friends would speak to her about his weight and recommend a diet, but the Mom just plain blank refused and proceeded to state how he was just a big boy. Can someone say Denial?
Even though he was only 3 and he had no ridicule from his peers, it was the adults talking amongst each other and as disgusted as we were with an obese 3 year old, it was his mother I judged most.

Is it not our role as parents to protect our children from dangers, to look after their well being, to guard their SELF ESTEEM?

How then do we find more and more obese children? Are parents killing their children with bad eating habits and poor exercise habits? Not only are we responsible for those choices, but we will be held solely responsible for the damage done to their self esteem, confidence and position in social circles if their weight is the cause. We know how ‘fat’ children are ridiculed at school. Of course it’s never nice and not everyone does it, but if you haven’t noticed, bullying is on the increase across the globe, is this not reason enough to guard our children even more nowadays?

My boys LOVE food. They eat just about anything and I have to be completely aware of everything they do eat during the day because Xavier is at the point where he will take food from a cupboard or off a counter and eat it just because he could reach it. He will eat all day long if I let him. Likewise Xavier will watch TV all day if I let him.
It is my responsibility as their Mom to know that with the genetics we posses; heart disease, obesity and diabetes are all possibilities for my boys if they don’t manage their health from early on. And it’s the food choices we as parents make in our home and the foods they have access to in our home that will impact it most. Alongside that is the very important NEED for physical activity.

Our lifestyles and living conditions have changed so much from the times when we were kids. We have moved into smaller houses with less run around space for our kids, parks are almost non existent anymore and if they are – it’s probably not even safe to go there. Even just taking a walk in your neighborhood isn’t all that safe anymore. Not in our country. The availability of fast food high in sugar and fat is so freely available. With the rise of technology and the more sedentary activities we can and do do indoors, preventing obesity in our children becomes even harder for us as parents. It may be good to mention that 7 hours is the maximum any child should watch TV a Week (this includes other sedentary pursuits such as video games and computers)! I promise, even I fail at this task sometimes – I’m by no means perfect.

Are we as parents providing the correct model for our children? Perhaps you are overweight and therefore it’s OK if your child gets overweight. Perhaps you despise physical activity and so your children suffer because it’s too much work for you? Are you even actively in control of your own health?

Do we as parents leave our young children (note: I’m not talking about our round bellied babies) to stay fat because it’s ‘babyfat and they will loose it’, leave them to stay overweight because who wants to place importance on outward appearance from a young age or do we get up and say “let’s do this as a family”, change eating habits and get physically active?

Childhood obesity is NOT my boys choice!

P.S – I have not mentioned genetic conditions which can cause obesity or the inability to use limbs which can also impact weight gain as physical activity is more likely to be impossible for some. Those are totally seperate & more challenging situations for parents to be in.

 

Homeschooling – Finding Our Feet

It’s been just a little over 12 weeks since we made the decision to start homeschooling – it hasn’t been a smooth transition and there are days it hasn’t been very easy and then, there are days that are great!

I found a curriculum from Homeschool Your Boys and was rather excited to start using it. I found it great as a basis to start with. It gave ME the ideas, and structure I could use with Xavier. I also didn’t force him to do activities I knew were beyond his ability and tried modifying them to meet him at a more basic level. Sometimes this meant doing fewer activities in a day.

Then I hit a slump, Xavier really struggles with a lot of the activities, the activities were also not enough. At Xavier’s age and ability, his concentration isn’t great (we are working on that). Xavier also gives-up very fast if he sees that he struggles with things. So for us, in our home, we could easily do with at least 10-15 activities a day. Depending on the activities they may drop if they keep his attention for a long time – like cutting. I don’t know if it’s the danger in the scissors that he likes or the ‘destruction’ it creates for him, but Xavier LOVES to cut and this can keep him busy for about 20 minutes! Of course he’s using 2 hands to cut and can’t cut on straight lines yet, but for now, that’s not our goal!

Teaching Xavier colours, numbers, shapes, letters and counting is NOT an easy task. In fact, anything new is a challenge because he has the speech and language delay. I have to constantly remind myself that Xavier cannot even say the words, let alone retain the details of the ‘lesson’.  I’m sure that if he could at least talk and say the word, retention and learning may come easier. I know that all of this will only come right with ALOT of repetition. It took him 5 months to start saying words through constant repetition, it’s going to take about the same time or longer to get the numbers, alphabet, counting, etc into his head.

At one of Xavier’s OT sessions, I had mentioned how lazy and uninterested he is to draw or colour in. She advised that I take a step back and do more fine motor exercises with him so that he can gain confidence and that that would help correct his  grip and thus his willingness. So, I did. Giving him pieces of spaghetti to put through a straw is one of his toughest tasks but with lots of praise and encouragement when he wanted to give up – he just continued doing it. So we continue.
The other ‘lightbulb’ moment for me came when he actually coloured in a picture of Cow a ton better than he has ever done – now, I do not give him blank pieces of paper to ‘draw’ on, I give him pictures and he doesn’t understand ‘in the lines’, so I get him to colour in the ‘eyes’, ‘ears’, ‘bum’, ‘tail’, ‘feet’, etc. This keeps him interested and he learns new body parts or features that way.

I guess this is the learning we’ve had to do with homeschooling, and I’m learning everyday. It’s finding what works for your child, and not what ‘should’ work. As Lauren said to me, “it’s HOME schooling, not school at home”.

Finding resources for homeschooling special needs isn’t an easy task. But, I came across a Skills List which Hands on Homeschooling (another curriculum) has so kindly posted on their website for each age group and I’ve made notes on where the 2 & 3 year olds should be according to the list. Xavier will be 3 in November but cannot do a quarter of  the things on the 2yr old list (which they say generally a child reaches by the time they turn 3).

My objective with the skills list is not to compare my child or make myself feel more despondent. It was merely a means for me to take a step back and give us a goal. A means to measure ourselves and to achieve those things listed on the skill list. Because, lets face it, as ordinary parents without teaching qualifications (I am strongly considering studying along these lines) we don’t know what to look for! I was once milestone obsessed, now the charts are there as a guide to help me work on achieving those goals in whatever time frame it takes!

So, where are we with homeschooling? I’ve dropped the curriculum for the most part ( I will probably use it at a later stage again). I choose a theme for however long I feel is necessary. At the moment we’re doing animals, last week was farm animals, Xavier gained a new word “Cocka-Doo” as in rooster and he even got to see and touch them which re-enforces what he’s learnt. Even Memphis has learnt to say “moo”. This week is Zoo animals.

I choose a book for the WEEK and we read the SAME book EVERYDAY within the theme and the same song everyday! I know some may think the children will get sick and bored of the same book/song everyday, but I feel this is OUR route. The reason I’ve chosen animals is because part of school readiness is that your children can name the basic animals and their sounds.  Xavier needs a lot of repetition, so this is what he’ll be getting from now on. The other activities are spread out across the days/weeks to add variety.  I’m still trying to figure out the best way to teach the Alphabet, numbers, shapes, etc.

I do a lot of gross motor with the boys as well, a lot of the ideas are taken from our OT sessions and what I learnt at Clamber Club when X was a baby.

I’m still juggling around with the routine, but I think Xavier needs a schooling routine – similar to a child with Autism, I think structure and routine gives them the confidence they need to feel comfortable in their environment. So this is a work in progress – how best to plan our day. However, I never interrupt them if they are really just enjoying themselves and playing by themselves. It’s important they get this right too!

So, yes, I’ve taken a few steps back and going to the basics and modifying the information at my disposal to suite us! Yes, there is also still lots of room for improvement, I have a lot to learn still. My motivation lacks some days when Xavier is uncooperative but I’m working hard on that. (that’s for another post).

I have to remember that we are still in the ‘formative’ years, he’s still a little boy and that I cannot force him to learn. But hoping that the ways we do things will help his brain make the connections it needs to and that they stick.

Picture credit: Mud Spice

How Far Will You take Imagination, Reality & Fear?

I believe we all get to raise our children the way we want to. None of us will ever do a perfect job, we will make many mistakes but sometimes I think we are making really stupid mistakes, ones that require only common sense. Common sense I have also learned is not something that everyone actually has!

As our toddlers grow and learn and they begin to see and understand the world in new ways, their brain can become overactive and this is generally the time nightmares begin when there is a crossover between the real world and make believe and things like ‘monsters’ can be seen under the bed.

We as parents need to be there to comfort and reassure our precious children while they figure out what’s real and what’s not.

I have watched my nephews and my niece grow up being taught about ‘monsters’ and ‘devils’ from a very early age. I’m not talking about the kind of teaching you do when reading a book – I mean real “scare-the-shit-out-of-you” lessons!  Threats, masks, noises; they’ve all been used in an effort to get the child to conform to a certain behavior or to get them to listen to you and do as you say!

I have seen my nephews and my niece cry their hearts out while adults laugh at their expense. And no thought is spared for the ‘monster’ of choice. Pig noises (or whatever animal is chosen for the day), devil masks, monster masks, non existent boogeyman. The fact that animals are used to scare them is concerning and irresponsible because those are real things that they will now fear!

I find it totally appalling that adults will find it ever amusing and entertaining to scare a child in this way. We as adults have a fear of the ‘monsters’ and ‘devils’ the Film industry and our crime can conjure up. Why, Oh why would we want to impart this fear onto our children? Can we not let them just be kids without the fear we create? (of course they will have fear at some point -but how we handle it is most important)

My son is only allowed to watch Cbeebies, I have no desire for him to watch anything else. He has no need to learn about monsters or ‘bad’ people right now. Emotionally and mentally he does not and cannot understand this. We have seen how he reacts to movies where there is high excitement in a scene and even though the scene itself is not harmful, he has reacted in a way (often crying) which indicates to us that emotionally he is making a different connection, his perception of the actors reactions isn’t always the correct perception – but to him, it’s real.

I cannot say what effect my sisters antics has had or will have on her children. I just cannot bring myself to use fear as a bribery tool!  I find it unfair to put stress on such a small body and heart. I would much rather my child enjoys the adrenaline rush doing activities they love than having to ‘fight’ their fears.

I also know the way we handle our own fears will impact the way our children will view certain insects, animals and other phobias. I have always tried to not let my fear of worms and my aversion to bugs influence my boys – but it has! X in particular has picked up on my aversion and he won’t just touch or pick up any bug – which I’m grateful for(because I don’t have to touch them) – but at the same time, kinda sad about because I would have preferred he had no aversion.

I have a fear of chickens pecking out my eyes – it has probably stemmed from my Mom’s fear of birds (flapping of their wings).

I think there are thousands of parents that need to rethink their ‘monster’ theories and bribery tools. Consider whether the fear you intend to impart into your child is necessary or not and whether you can help it or not. It’s probably best not to even teach your children about the ‘bad’ non existent things you don’t believe in, like the boogeyman! For all your own phobias, there’s not much we can do to prevent our children picking up on them – but we can teach them not to react like jumping beans when they encounter them and rather take a calmer approach to fleeing!

The Serious Me

I know I’ve been really scarce this last month. When I have to much to think about or do, I tend to gravitate towards myself and lose interest in other things. We’ve had a 1st birthday, I’ve been trying to find my feet with homeschooling and most of my spare adult time has been taken up by Guildwars 2. 

I will really try set aside some time to dedicate back to my blog. I think the other difficulty is that I’m struggling to identify with my blog at the moment. I am just a serious person. I don’t have humour or huge flickers of madness or enlightenment. Sometimes I think I may become very tedious to other people to read. So yes, most things I write will be serious – I am always in ‘Think-mode”. 

So really, I am rethinking my perspective of my blog. At the end of the day it should be about what I want to say or how I feel and for ME more than it should be for other people – but how do you prevent them from interlinking? 

I’m really just going through an ‘offish’ phase at the moment where I do feel the need to be validated in certain aspects. It’s easy to find that validation when you have a career or are in school because you can see the merits of your hard work. Being a SAHM makes that validation so much harder to gain let alone see. 

And then, on the other hand – it’s not the validation as a mother that I’m looking for. I guess I’m just missing myself a tad. It’s been almost 4years dedicated to my children (pregnancies included). I don’t do much for myself and perhaps as the boys are getting older, I’m trying to find myself again. Hoping that I’m able to let go the ropes a little and just do something for myself. But it’s so hard when you’ve done it for so long and to top it, I’m not really the type to do much for myself anyhow.
But, I have started exercising – I’m determined to take back my body now. Memphis is on 1 BF a day now – so my body is almost all mine again.  

My best (and only) friend is pregnant which is FANTASTIC. But I’d like to be able to spend more time with her and I can’t because we live so far away. I also have to remind myself that this is her pregnancy and her baby and that she will learn just as I did and I have to hold myself back from blurting out assvice. I have great self-control though. 

My social life is pretty much ‘online’. I have no social life outside of twitter. And as much as I have one fantastic best friend – I can’t help feel a bit disconnected from her at times. I just don’t share with her like I should – perhaps this is a step I need to take from my side. After all, it’s so important to have a ‘Girlfriend’, woman can’t rely on men to listen to them!

My introverted, loner self can be a huge burden sometimes! I like time by and with myself but too much time alone and I become a recluse. 

I have really silly issues that niggle at me – one such issue would be that family members asked my sister to create an invitation for them – which she did in Powerpoint. It really looked cheap (just being honest) – when they could’ve asked me to design it for them in Photoshop; as I do my boys invites and have done my Mom’s 60th and my nieces. So yes, I don’t feel validated – as if my efforts were not good enough for people to ask me.

My love language is ‘words of affirmation’. As great as I may think something looks – it’s never great if no one comments positively or I have to ask “what do you think?”  I have also come to realise that I may have stuffed up my highschool career because of the lack of ‘affirmation’ I received in Primary school. It was expected of me to do well because everyone knew my capabilities and what was my ‘best’. Still didn’t mean I didn’t need encouragement or affirmation from time to time – my report card was the fruit of my efforts. 

Those are some of my ‘issues’ which I’m trying to work through and not let them affect me so much. It takes time – hopefully not too much!

Thanks for reading. 

Our Much Needed Break

We have reached a stage in speech therapy where we are able to take a 3 month break! That means that for 12 weeks we don’t have to rush out to go play with Aunty Kate. Monday was our last session. We will miss it dearly, but we are grateful that we have reached a steady pace of progress in order to warrant this break. Our medical aid will be happy too – just a little – OT still continues!

After 9 months of speech therapy, 107 words later and the beginnings of putting phrases together – we are chuffed!

I can barely remember the beginning stages of therapy where we really started with the basic basic sounds. Just trying to get Xavier to imitate sounds, we used the Bilabial shapes to try and get him to say m/b/p and oo/aa/Oh sounds. Then Aunty Kate realised there was low sensitivity and in came the tongue exercises, whistles, horns, bubbles (anything to blow) and vibrating tools.

After 5 months of just trying to get particular sounds out – we reached our first steps. Since then it’s been steady progress. It’s been daily use of a vibrating toothbrush (the battery is now going flat) on his lips and cheeks as well as inside his mouth. Tapping and massaging of his cheeks and mouth. If we don’t keep up with this we see his low tone setting in again. Some days his tone my also just be really bad so we need to up the vibrations and tapping.

I have had to come out my shell somewhat with speech, I will now be the seemingly crazy woman speaking to her child and repeating things as we walk through the shops and malls. It just wasn’t part of my personality to be so openly public with speech and behavior, kids change that.  I can actually be silly in public with my kids and keep them amused and entertained while they are forced to go through the shops with me.

Our speech therapy sessions have obviously come to a halt – but our homework is continuous and ongoing. This is obviously not going to change for a while. The reality of Xavier’s delays is that it’s taken us 9 months to get to where we are – we are still not on par with average 2yr olds and he will be 3 in November. BUT for us, our goal is not to be on par with his peers, he had a late start, 9 months is a long delay. Our goals and objectives are to keep the progress steady – what we don’t want is for his speech to halt! Our next step is to build on his vocabulary and hopefully he will also start asking questions.

Till we see you in 3 months again, Thank you, Aunty Kate for helping us get to where we are!
We will continue being dedicated to progress!